Blindsided, but Seen

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see.

Sometimes the day just starts off rough and goes downhill from there. It may not be filled with one big calamity, but all of the little scrapes and bruises add up and take their toll. I had one of those days last week. After some on-and-off speed bumps, as the evening came I found myself feeling a little beat up. To compound this, I think I was just tired. And when I’m tired, things are magnified. Can I get an amen?

Dick was at a rehearsal on this particular night, and to pass some of the time away I’d gone to an Instagram feed of a precious woman who had recently died of cancer. She was only in her 30’s, married with 3 young children. The disease had seemingly come out of nowhere and she had passed away within just a few months of the initial diagnosis. Gratefully, she knew Jesus and is now in heaven. But reading about the loss that her family was dealing with was devastating and even hard to process.

I should have seen it coming, but the enemy (the devil) saw this as a perfect time to sneak in a crack of my armor. It started with a bit of mild discouragement and fear. Though subtle at first, it evolved into full DISCOURAGEMENT and FEAR. I began to spiral as I thought, “What if my cancer isn’t really gone? What if the scans and doctors missed something?” What if . . . what if . . . what if . . . 

Let me interject here that while you may be saying to yourself, “That feels pretty irrational. How could Mel be thinking those things?”, one thing I’ve realized through the years is this: when it comes to the devil, we have to remember he is the Father of Lies. John 8:44 describes him plainly: 

“He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

So it only stands to reason that the Father of Lies would be very good at deception, right? 

I can vouch for that. 

I began to have a small meltdown and spoke to one of our daughters to ask for prayer and some rationale. Because Whitney is a nurse, I appreciated her very sane response to my anxiety as she reminded me of my “cancer number” which is very much in the normal range. She also brought up other health improvements I’ve shared with her, or she’s seen firsthand. Hearing her words began to help me lean on facts rather than fiction. After she prayed and we hung up, I could feel the Lord comforting and bringing clarity rather than the frenzy I had been caught up in an hour before. 

One of my favorite names of God is Jehovah El Roi – the God who Sees. It’s mentioned in the story of Hagar and Abraham (Genesis 16:13) and through my years of knowing the Lord, this has been one of the most powerful and meaningful names for me to hold onto in dark times. When I recognize and remember God sees me, I truly can move forward with confidence. 

After Dick got home from rehearsing, I detailed how my evening had gone. A few more tears and hugs from the one person who definitely points me to see facts over fiction helped to continue making things better. Each night for the last few months, we’ve been reading from a Sarah Young book called Jesus Today before we go to bed. As Dick silently scanned the first sentence of devotional #145 which happened to be the one we were scheduled to read he said, “Hmmm, I think you need to look at this and realize God has chosen a message just for you tonight.” Here is the actual devotional in full:

Let me just say, all of the devotionals in this book have not nailed me like this one did. But wow, every word Dick read aloud permeated my heart. There were so many sentences and phrases that resonated so loudly. I was comforted and convicted all at the same time. God saw me and knew exactly what I needed to hear after my earlier meltdown.

In hindsight, there were several things I didn’t do when the fog of despair and gloom began to settle in: I didn’t run to the battle. And while I did pray for deliverance, I didn’t go to the Word and I didn’t linger in prayer waiting for God to answer as I have done in times past. I definitely knew better, and I’m not sure why I lost my courage so quickly, but it happened. 

I can imagine my Heavenly Father saying, “Oh Mel, come to me as you are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your soul!” (Matthew 11:28) But I guess I chose to strive and fall into a pit instead. (Not a good choice, by the way). 

Earlier that day, I had gone over to my friend, JoAnna’s house. This is a new normal, for sure, and such a delight to be able to do such a simple thing after 6 months of looking at the walls of our home. It was also a bright spot in my otherwise rough day. 😊 JoAnna and I are part of a small group of ladies God strategically put in place months before my cancer journey began. She was telling me about a funny incident at a coffee shop when the other 4 friends were coming up with novelty names for all of us. They wanted to hear these new names called out with their coffee orders. I laughed as I heard monikers such as “True Heart” and “Moon Goddess”. She then told me mine was “Valor Song”. “Haha, that’s cute”, was my response. 

(This is our sweet group. And yes, there is a “Moon Goddess” on that couch. 🤣)

Rewind back to the devotional. As Dick read from the book on that particular night, I heard a word that became a flashing neon light. At the end of the first paragraph, there it was: Valor. This was the second time I had heard that word in one day. And the first time, it had been used as a descriptor for me! I certainly hadn’t been an example of valor that night as I had worried and stressed about my future. But hearing this exact word – and it’s not a word I hear every day – before we went to sleep was one more example that God saw me. It was a God-wink in the truest sense. He knew that this word would resonate in a powerful way after hearing JoAnna use it that afternoon. When Dick read it that night, it became a reminder of the courage He has planted in me. The courage that flows from being connected to Him.

Psalm 40:2 says, “He lifted me up from the pit of despair, out of the miry clay; He set my feet upon a rock, and made my footsteps firm.”   This wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. But I am so grateful that though I had fallen into a pit, in His mercy, the Lord lifted me out. He saw me, and gave me a firm place to stand. Oh how good He is! 

Yes, I was blindsided that night. And if this was a pop quiz, hmmm . . . I didn’t score too great on it initially. But all things truly do work together for good (Romans 8:28), and every test, every trial, every doubt, every worry, every insecurity, every concern – all of those ultimately draw us to the ONE who uses those weak moments to teach us, grow us, strengthen us, comfort us, and gently care for us. We are loved with an everlasting love. And we are seen.

“To trust God in the light is nothing, but to trust Him in the dark –
that is faith.”
(Charles H. Spurgeon)