Growth

“The truth is, that more spiritual progress is made through
failure and tears than success and laughter.” (Alistair Begg)

I remember hearing a pastor once speak these words: “If you’re growing spiritually, you might be the last to know it.” And I totally resonate with that. Sometimes we can’t see spiritual deepening in our own lives as easily as we may see it in the lives of others. I would say, however, that when you are walking through a lengthy journey that draws you to utter dependence on Jesus, He may give you a little peek now and then as to how you might be growing. 

If you take the analogy of being in school, there are some “courses” I’ve been enrolled in since last December – Trusting God 101, Contentment 101, and The Sovereignty of God 101, to name a few. Each of these (like regular school courses) have involved pop quizzes, exams I could study for, and life-essays to write. In each class, I have definitely gained in knowledge and experience. I’ve grown. Sometimes I’ve passed these tests. Other times, I might not have gotten the best grade. But in most cases, I have progressed from being a Kindergarten student to at least a Middle Schooler, and sometimes even a High School scholar in these challenging subjects. 

So what have I learned? Several things come to mind. 

Lesson 1 – God is sovereign, and that is valuable to remember
While I’ve always “known about” the sovereignty of God, I’ve gained some life experience as I’ve been immersed in and continually aware of His absolute authority, total control, and perfect will (the definition of Biblical sovereignty). There is nothing, not the tiniest detail, that escapes His knowledge, love, and care. I’ve heard it said that everything that comes into our lives is “Father filtered”. That’s a great word picture. 

“Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?” (Lamentations 3:37-38)

“I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things.” (Isaiah 45:7)

Recognizing His sovereignty has allowed me to rest in what my days have held. As I’ve navigated chemotherapies, surgeries, and everything in between, I’ve had peace in most moments because I continued to remember the Lord was before me, behind me, and all around me. Psalm 139:5 says, “You hem me in behind and before. You have laid your hand on me.”  Knowledge of God’s word helps so much with this. In difficult circumstances, I would often hear a scripture or a portion of a scripture in my head and be led to read it, meditate on it, and/or find the context of it. Every single time, I would be encouraged and my spirit would be calmed.

There’s another term related to “sovereignty” that I’ve been keenly made aware of recently – God’s providence. A good definition for God’s providence is, “His wise and purposeful sovereignty” (I’ll let you Selah – pause and reflect on that). As I’ve rested in the Lord’s sovereignty and providence, I’ve realized the importance of recognizing minute-by-minute how my life is being cared for by His very capable hands. There is absolute truth in Matthew 11:27 when Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” 

I remember one time I was fearful before a procedure, and I was reminded of this verse: “When I am afraid, I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise.” I couldn’t remember where to find that in scripture, so I looked it up and read it in context from Psalm 56. As I continued reading the next verse, a phrase jumped out to me. Here’s the whole passage:

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56:3-4)

I’d never really considered that last question – what can mere mortals do to me? But as I thought about it, I realized that no matter what might happen when needles, medications, treatments, and procedures are combined with human frailty, I am going to be on planet earth until the moment God has chosen to bring me to Him! My existence will not end here a second before that or a second after. My life is not subject to anything outside of what His perfect will for me dictates. There’s freedom in that! 

Lesson 2 – There’s always more to learn
I think I may have assumed that once I was in remission and could check cancer off of the list, I would find myself in a “resting pattern” from school. Maybe we’d call it summer vacation? 🙂 But all too soon, I’m finding myself enrolled in Trusting God 102, which has a whole new curriculum! 

This past weekend, I was excited to hear our daughter, Whitney, speak at a women’s event in a town right outside of Nashville.

I picked her up from the airport, we drove together to a friend’s house where I would spend the night while Whitney would enjoy time with the ladies sponsoring the occasion. My friend was keeping two of her daughter’s dogs for several days. We woke up early on Saturday morning and were getting ready to leave the house in order to make the drive south in time for everything to start. As I was walking out of the kitchen after breakfast, one of the dogs really wanted to get my attention, and in her excitement, she pounced on my right foot, immediately drawing blood. We were all startled by this, and began to clean my wound (as well as the floor), and assess how bad it was. While I could tell the cut was rather deep, I felt comfortable putting a large bandage on it and proceeding with our plans. The morning was such a blessing as I heard our daughter do what she does so well. But my foot definitely was providing more pain than I was enjoying. The next day (Sunday) I was in touch with my local doctor, I sent her photos of the injury, and she prescribed appropriate antibiotics. I also began a regimen of cleaning it, elevating it, icing it, and medicating it. Over the last days, it has improved. Slightly. Not as much as we all would like. I had made a “just in case” doctor appointment for Thursday (5 days after it happened) and my doctor agreed that it wasn’t as healed as she would have liked. She ordered x-rays, blood work, MRI’s, and an appointment with an Orthopedist to rule some things out. If you’re getting weary reading this story, believe me I’m just as weary writing about it. And living it. 

Back to the school analogy . . . I have to say I didn’t anticipate being in a new class this quickly. But indeed, I have my textbook (God’s word) and I want to learn what needs to be learned through this crazy, how-did-this-even-happen injury. Remember God’s sovereignty? 

“The lot is cast into the lap, but the decision is wholly of the Lord [even the events that seem accidental are really ordered by Him].” (Proverbs 16:33, Amplified)

After the doctor appointment (where I was anticipating easier, happier news), I got home and found myself walking around the house sighing. Groaning. A deep breath in and a quick breath out, (accompanied by a sad whimper). While my last season of life might merit a sigh now and then, I was convicted not to live in a place of “poor me” or “why did this happen?” I knew this incident came out of nowhere, and there was no point in trying to figure out the reasons why. 

Lesson 3 – Honesty with God is welcomed by Him
But here’s something else I’ve learned in this last season. God has made a way for us to sigh, groan, and even complain and be frustrated! One third of the Psalms are made up of chapters called “laments”. These wonderfully honest words give us permission to come to the Lord and express our deep, dark, dismal, discouraged feelings. And here’s something else to know: all of those lament psalms (with the exception of just one) ultimately turn from complaint to praise. There’s the model to learn from! Yes, we can bring our sadness and pain to the Lord, but hopefully we will be motivated to get up from the ash heap and move ahead. Some of my favorite laments are: Psalm 13, Psalm 42 and 43, Psalm 71, and Psalm 86. (To go deeper into this subject, I highly recommend this book: Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.)

Growth. It’s sometimes painful. I remember as a young girl having “growing pains” in my legs as I matured. If you go back to the quote at the top of this post, that theory resonates. But I certainly don’t want to stay the same and not grow stronger in my faith. 

“Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in Christ. I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready.”(1 Corinthians 3:1-2)

“In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish
good from evil.” (Hebrews 5:12-14)

Ouch! I may be steeped in life-lessons right now, but I’d rather be learning and growing than being stagnant. 

Lesson 4 – There can be happy surprise moments in the midst of your classroom activities
I think all of us can remember the times when there would be a reprieve in the main goal for being at school – getting an education. Maybe someone would celebrate a birthday and their mom would bring treats for everyone, or maybe we would go out for recess and play kick ball (I actually really liked that game!), or possibly a day would be set aside for a field trip to the zoo . . . I can look back on my official school years and remember occasions that would allow our minds to rest and even have fun. I had one of those unexpected moments during my foot injury. 

To rule out infections, and to make sure there were no other underlying causes for how slow my foot was healing, I mentioned that my doctor set up an appointment with an Orthopedist and scheduled 2 MRI’s – one without the contrast and one with it. I’ve never had an MRI before, but have heard about the possible claustrophobia, and how the machine sounds like a jackhammer breaking up concrete. I was told my procedures would last a combined 45 minutes or so. This would be 45 minutes of lying perfectly still so that the imaging could be as accurate as possible. After removing all jewelry and anything metal, I was led back to the scanner room. Earlier, I had been asked, “What kind of music do you like?” Obviously, the technician didn’t choose that particular question just to make conversation. I thought a minute, realizing that maybe I could have a say in what music would be playing in the room, and said, “Classical”. I thought that would be most relaxing. But then I asked another question, “What kind of music choices do you have?” And she said, “Really anything you want. We have Pandora.” Well . . . that opened a brand new door! I use Pandora at times to play music around our house, and I have several favorite stations. I said, “Oh, if you have Pandora, put in ‘Fernando Ortega Radio’”. I’m not sure she had ever heard of Fernando, but she didn’t question me. When I was laying on the gurney, they situated both of my feet in positions that would hopefully allow for them to remain motionless. I was covered up with a blanket, and then I felt the technician come up behind me and slide on big, comfy headphones. The station I had chosen was indeed playing and the first words I heard were “It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.” If I wasn’t determined to remain frozen in place, I would have begun to cry. The words were such a balm to me in that moment. And that song was followed by others like, “Wonderful Merciful Savior”, “This is My Father’s World”, and “Be Still And Know”, sung by calming, lilting voices – many of them my friends and colleagues. Every melody and lyric that came through those phones painted a picture of God saying, “I’ve got you. I’m here. I knew these songs would minister to you.” 

Later in the day, we were informed that there were no other infections or other troubling data that showed up on the scans. Because of my chemo, some of my blood levels aren’t totally back to where they will be, Lord willing, and healing from something like this will just take more time. I’m grateful for all of the scans – knowledge is power – and we’ll continue to do all of the protocol we know to do until I’m running marathons again! (When Dick just proofread this, he said, “Hmmm, the word ‘again’ is an interesting one. Have I forgotten your past marathons?” Haha.)

Finally, lesson 5 – Growth doesn’t always involve pain
Let me share about one more area of growth in my life that doesn’t require studying, learning, or applying myself. HAIR GROWTH!!! Yes, my friends, it is coming back! I’m not quite ready to put photos on social media posts yet, but I’ll give you a little glimpse. 

This leads me to one more scripture on God’s sovereignty. Pay special attention to the third sentence: 

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:29-31)

It’s not where I want it to be yet. Will I like having a short haircut? Will I keep it salt/pepper? Will I color it? SO many questions. But the best news is that I can reach up and grab a thick handful of something that I’ve missed having on the top of my head for the last 9 months! 

While I’m grateful to be in remission, ready for my foot to heal, and I’d honestly enjoy a no-drama season of my life in the days ahead (please, Lord?), I pray that I am always – ALWAYS – growing, learning, and making progress towards becoming all that God would have me be in this life. 

“Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 
To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.” (2 Peter 3:18)

(A plant in our foyer. Notice the bright green leaves in the middle. New growth.)